“Whoever exalts himself will be humbled; but whoever humbles himself will be exalted.” Matthew 23:12
“So humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time. Cast all your worries upon him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 6-7
I often hear this verse and think of narcissists versus those quietly working in their corner of the world, but lately this idea of humility has been hitting differently.
I find myself humbled more and more these days, as I watch my kids grow into self-sufficient individuals who do not need mom doing all the things for them, who consult me less and less on “how to do” something, who sometimes forget to kiss me goodbye in a rush to run off and meet friends.
It’s scary, that road between trying to be their shelter and also be the wind beneath their wings. I suppose that is the most humbling part when I find myself not really sure of how involved or uninvolved I should be.
I know my own experience of growing up. My ability to strengthen the muscles of decision making and confidence in those decisions was hindered by fearful, wounded parents—not an uncommon thing, but as a result, I know I want my kids’ abilities to be different than my own. The truth is that I am not really confident of what that should be (shocker, I know, given my own waffling decision making). How lenient or strict I should be can’t be solely based on my childhood experience because my kids aren’t me.
This is the crossroads. There are times where I step in, weigh in, make them doubt themselves by an off-handed comment, designed to steer them in the direction of my thinking. I am exalting myself in that moment. I am thinking I know best, and it isn’t that I don’t.
I’m not trying to strip away my parental authority. I simply know deep down that I’m being manipulative. When I decide I know the best decision and there isn’t a clear right or wrong, I’m hindering their ability to grow into mature adults. If I always make them feel like their decision is the wrong decision or that they should do it my way, they will become filled with self-doubt that grows every time I jump in like that.
I should be asking them for more information. Tell me more about these friends you want to meet up with or this event you want to go to. What do you think I would be concerned about? Why shouldn’t I be concerned about those things? What are the challenges? What are your concerns? How can I support you in your decision?
I should be asking myself questions. How did I arrive at the conclusion that this way is the best decision? Often times I met with the reality that my way is based on fears—fears that they would be away from me, fears that I would lack control over the situation where they were going, fears that someone might hurt them or take advantage of them. How can I support them when I feel that fear welling up in me?
Fear of not being there to protect them. Fear that they make a misstep or a not-so-great decision. Fear that this one instance will make everything go downhill from there.
The Lord reminds me time and time again that He is Lord of all, even my children’s lives. He’s the Designer. They have a part to play. He knows their missteps. He knows even my missteps with them. He also destined them for glory, and He is going to use all of it. I need to step back and let them become who He designed them to be, to find that, with me holding their hands gently, rather than dragging them behind me as I march forward on the path I think they should be on.
I’ve made it a priority to turn my kids to the Lord. This is where I have really tried to exalt the Lord rather than my own decisions. I say things like I can listen as you talk this out to decide. I ask questions like, have you prayed about it? Have you read scripture? I will even offer to open up their Bible with them and find a perfect verse to read over that instills confidence that God is with them in their decisions.
This helps us both practice humility. We are both turning to the One who should be exalted. We are both getting good practice of remembering that God is in control even when we are unsure, doubting, fearful, stubborn, distracted, even when the cards seem stacked against us, and even when we made the wrong decision.
He is there with mercy always. He is there with our mission. He is there with peace. I am grateful to have a Good Shepherd to humble myself under.
Humble yourself before Him because it will get you to the place He intends for you to be: heaven. God promises us that we will be exalted if we are humble.
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