The one place I still struggle with my bilateral cochlear implants is with music; I cannot tell if I am singing in key with others. This weakness came up in conversation recently, but my husband gently verified that I do in fact sing off key. A few days later I was saying prayers with my daughter and decided to sing the Hail Mary in a higher key, hoping to land on the right one.
As I sang through the prayer, both her and I are looking at each other knowing I sound ridiculous, but still I plunged ahead singing off key in a much more noticeable way. When the prayer ended, we both busted out laughing, and she asked through giggles, “Why were you singing like that?”
“I was trying to sound better when I was singing.” I explained, knowing I had failed miserably. My husband clarified that it was more my following the full tune that needed to be adjusted rather than the overall pitch. I concluded I was singing the wrong notes at the wrong time which altered the tune of the song…what a metaphor for life!
I am currently discerning some next steps as we plan for the future. Going back to professional work seems necessary, but I want to be sure to strike the right key this time. The right role at the right time is critical to making this work for our family’s crazy and demanding schedule. When I previously returned to work, I realized I was trying to refill the “define me” void. Not a good fit with my identity as daughter of a King.
These days I try to work from my God-given identity and let the music flow from there. I am praying for the right doors to be opened and the wrong doors to remain closed. If God challenges me, opening doors that should remained closed, I am praying for the wisdom to make decisions rooted in Him instead of what might yield me greater worldly rewards whether in finances or in titles. I only want what serves His will for me and my family.
My primary vocation is wife and mother. This prioritization of those vocations does not create a conflict with professional work because I am a stronger professional when I prioritize these roles. I am more effective and creative when I am loving my best people first. Just like a half-hearted effort at professional work creates less than stellar productivity, standards, and results; being a half-hearted wife or mom creates less than stellar love, attitudes, and peace—a home life lacking in these things just tends to spill stress over into professional work. I can say this from experience.
I lived the life where I had depleted my energy during the day so that I came home short-tempered and detached. Bad moods resulting would often carry into the next morning. It was a vicious cycle. Thankfully, my family could verbalize this to me, so that I was able to step back and reset.
I’m not going to be perfect. Will there be days I still lose my temper even when I have made my best effort to prioritize love? My home life won’t be perfect—it can’t be, but I do want to give them my best and to love my people as perfectly as my human weakness can.
I assure you even though I continue singing terribly at Mass, I count on the Catechism which tells me music elevates our prayer. If that is the case, I am going to keep on singing (sorry, fellow parishioners!). Similarly, some people might be rubbed the wrong way when I say my home life comes first, but I know in loving my husband and kids, God will elevate that so it spills over into whatever work He calls me to outside the home.
This time around I am working to avoid repeating mistakes, but I also don’t want to be so focused on doing it differently that I end up choosing the ridiculous much like my Hail Mary sung with very high notes. Different isn’t always the right way. The key is giving the choice prayer and thought before plunging ahead.
I am hopeful that God will help me choose the right path in life that will allow me to keep the melody of love of my family, the harmony of writing about my faith, while also being supportive towards our family’s resources as we head into teenage drivers and college selections, which seem a ways off today, but which I know will be here before we know it.
“Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, as in all wisdom you teach and admonish one another, singing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.” Colossians 3:16 NAB
“My heart is steadfast, God, my heart is steadfast. I will sing and chant praise.” Psalm 57:8
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