The Tuesday after Memorial Day weekend had my internal barometer reeling. I am an introvert. The need to recharge after a great amount of social interaction is real. May was very full, from First Communion parties to 5th grade promotion activities to weddings to end of school activities. It was like a pressure cooker, letting the steam build up “to cook things faster.” I’m not a fan of the pressure cooker in both cooking and in life…As I sat to do my prayers that Tuesday morning with most of our social activities behind us, I could feel the intensity of the last few weeks built up inside me. Truly it was a physical feeling, totally unsettled. The internal barometer wasn’t building and showing a high reading. The needle was simply just spinning, reeling, no reading was possible. And then, three of my four kids joined me for morning prayers, one on my lap and the other two on either side.
I wish I could say it was a joy to have my children snuggle up to me in that moment, but honestly I felt cringy. I felt like can I just have a moment here, when no one needs me, when I am just by myself, regrouping after a long weekend. I wanted to say do you know how exhausted I am from all I’ve done the last few weeks…Normally, in a moment like this, I would’ve gotten up and resettled somewhere else alone, but I felt a little challenge from the Holy Spirit to lean into the moment. Resist the temptation to leave the kids behind. And so, I let them crowd around me, into my personal space and said my prayers. I even was able to be grateful for it, that these kids of mine want to surround me like this and be near me for no reason at all. If I had decided to move in that moment, I probably would’ve unknowingly been planting the seeds for them to think they shouldn’t be snuggling up to me like that. I’m so glad I didn’t let that moment of weakness tip the wrong way. I wish I always had the self-control to listen to the Holy Spirit in moments of feeling internal chaos.
The next day I happened to have my weekly adoration hour and since the person behind me had needed a sub, I filled in for them and turned my hour into two hours. I knew I needed it. That internal tension was still lingering in anticipation of a few activities happening that week—birthday parties, a dance recital and rehearsals, church activities, and packing for vacation. Being there was like when you let the steam out of a pressure cooker, just all that tension was slowly melting away with each minute, and it happened slooowly. Two hours was necessary for this introvert—haha!
I have never had a full hour alone with Jesus since signing up for this weekly adoration, usually there are at least two people with me, but this week I had two full hours where no one else came into the Church. It was so quiet and so good and soul satisfying; I knew the time, the quiet were a direct gift from God. I thought about the day before and how I had the prompting to resist pushing away from the kids.
It made me get up from my pew and kneel in front of the altar, directly in front of Jesus. He knew I needed time with Him, no distractions. I wanted to be like my kids, getting close to Jesus just because I could without giving it a second thought. What I love about Adoration time is it is truly mutual adoration. We go to adore Jesus, our King, but I have no doubt he is gazing at us, thinking how much He adores us, adores that we are there with Him, adores all we are becoming. My kids reminded me that no matter what is going on this crazy world, that Jesus always has time for us to get close to Him. I’m so grateful for His physical presence to allow us to be like children and sit or kneel at the foot of the monstrance and just be with Him because it’s comforting and peaceful and full of love. I hope it’s always how my children feel when they snuggle up to me no matter what is going on in our world.
Here’s to hoping you find time to be close to Jesus not only when you need it, but just because you can!
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