Life would be so much easier if it happened just as we want it to. A couple of days ago I straightened up the downstairs of our rental house. The house is a little cramped because we have more furniture than the house can hold. The place never feels clean, but I have at least worked out a system where I can straighten it and feel satisfied.
After I finished getting things in order, I went upstairs to my room to take a break and read some text messages and emails. The kids were playing and running upstairs and downstairs. After about 40 minutes, I walked back downstairs to a kitchen table full of papers, markers, stickers and other craft materials. Our cubby area which holds most of these supplies had every drawer pulled out and another adjacent cabinet had all the doors open. I also immediately noticed socks strewn in every direction as if all four of my children decided to have a contest who can throw their sock farthest in a different direction. My mood immediately plummeted. I had just cleaned and I had expected the downstairs to stay clean.
I know moms are reading this right now and in total agreement with me. We have similar expectations, yes? We want something just cleaned to stay clean—not unreasonable, am I right?
Back to my story, so I immediately am like, What is going on here? Are you guys kidding me right now? I just cleaned down here…continue repeated questions related to my expectations. My oldest daughter, of course, was immediately remorseful, saying she would clean up. I’m pleased she sees what I am talking about, but the other three kids just look at me blankly. I pick up some of what has been created during my short time upstairs…they are Christmas cards for a neighbor, for our elves (yes we have two), for a sister. I immediately feel guilty.
I heard recently, I think on a podcast, (but honestly, can’t recall where) about how our expectations are the reason we often get upset/annoyed/frustrated, and if we can control our feelings related to our expectations, we can often reduce the number of times we are upset, annoyed or frustrated. I was brought back to this information when I picked up the cards.
I had cleaned the house for the house to stay clean. My kids perceived my cleaning the house as they now had a place to make Christmas cards. Our expectations of what a clean house means and how we respond to it are completely misaligned, and this happens very often as it relates to cleanliness of any part of the house…a clean space usually means a place to play, create, or goof around and for me it means peace, order, and calm. Our expectations are never going to align. I’m an adult and they are children. I can remember being a child and my mom getting mad over the same types of things, and understanding like my daughter that I would have to clean for mom to get happy, but not really grasping what was happening—that our expectations were not the same.
So, how do we let go of expectations and should we? I’ve been wrestling with if this is even possible. You have to have expectations, don’t you? These questions reminded me of last Thanksgiving. We were hosting and I had many hands in the kitchen helping me. I was delegating in order to get everything finished in time, and I handed over a cookbook with an apple pie recipe. If you are like me, you basically follow a recipe verbatim except adding what appears too little of something. (I’m rarely a person who cuts something out of a recipe, but I often add—more meat, more salt, more whatever.) In the case, of this particular recipe, I always made sure the apples were piled super high in the pie plate, and in this case, the apples ended up pretty even in the pie crust, even looking a little low, but the apples had been seasoned and the pie completed before I even had a chance to say more apples. My expectations were to end up with the same pie I make and they thought my expectations were that I wanted them to follow the recipe I gave them (not unreasonable). I remember in that moment feeling my frustration triggered, but I also remember being like, So what—do I really want to be mad about apple pie right now? And I let it go.
Is it really that easy? Can you decide to not get annoyed, mad, etc about something not going as planned? I really believe you can. I believe I’ve done this successfully, and I believe that if you do it, sometimes you’ll be amazed how maybe your expectations really get in the way of good things happening. What if my kids hadn’t made those Christmas cards? What if I came downstairs instead and my kids were playing on screens and my house was still clean? I wouldn’t have missed the Christmas cards, but a sibling or neighbor would’ve gone without a special handmade Christmas greeting. I’m not saying this so that you feel all the guilty I did. I’m saying it so you can realize that we can control how we feel when we set expectations, and it is feels really good when you control those feelings rather than them controlling you.
P.S. I want to acknowledge this is hard work and takes a lot of effort, and I’m not an expert on it. I’m a person like you on the journey, trying to get better at living with more joy and less angst. I will still have moments where my expectations are controlling how I feel because I am human, but I am trying to change that. I’m hoping I can!
*This post was moved from my old blog Lucy Cole On The Fringe