Nicole Berlucchi looks at the struggle of trying to be enough when we feel inadequate.
Enough. It’s a funny word. We say enough when we want someone to stop something. Enough is also that elusive thing when we want to feel like we’ve fulfilled everything needing fulfilling. And enough, of course, also means that no one wants anything more of you than just you. Simply that you exist is enough, nothing else attached.
It’s this last one where I’ve taken a deep dive with prayer. As I’ve continued to work through some wounds in my life, enough is the word that keeps coming up.
“I was never enough” is the wound I have been holding onto. I’ve been so bitter over it. No matter how good I was, it was never enough. Not enough to keep them happy, not enough to keep certain people sober, not enough to keep them from complaining, not enough to keep them in relationship with me, not enough to keep them from lashing out, not enough for them to stop their guilt trips, not enough for them to passively suggest I wasn’t meeting expectations, and all the other things our insecurities and demons do to us.
In all these cases, I am not enough. This is what God impressed on me recently. I am not enough by human standards.
God did not design me to meet every need of every human on earth. God did not design me to meet every need of every family member or friend I have on earth. God designed me for His glory.
He designed me to lean into His power, to lean into His love, to lean into His mercy, and in doing so, He filters all of my imperfect actions so that they fit into His perfect plan.
I’ve spent a lot of my life thinking I was leaning into these pieces of God’s glory. Only recently, I realized that instead of allowing God to be the filter of my life, I was trying to be the filter of God.
I was deciding where He got to work on me and where He didn’t. I was deciding what life situations were doomed and which could be healed. I was clogging up my life by trying to control things and perform for others, so that His work through me was slowed.
I chose to carry the weight of trying to meet every imagined and real expectation others had of me. I was anticipating every accusation or outburst. I exhaust myself doing these things (yes, even now; it’s habitual).
I create a world in my head where everyone is already mad at me or has already abandoned me because I did something they didn’t like–not smart enough, not doing enough, not allowing the other person to do more, not polished enough, not social enough, not obedient enough, not quiet enough, not fun enough, not holy enough. I could go on and on…
I have spent years trying to fill gaps I was not created to fill. Trying to meet needs that were not mine to meet. Yes, could a healthy individual have stepped in and said to me you can’t fix this longing or hurt I feel or I am not your responsibility? Yes, in theory this could have happened, but let’s be honest. God knew it wouldn’t.
He gave me the family and friends He gave me because He knew I would weakly try to fulfill His role on my own terms while having Him in my sidecar while I rode through life, but that ultimately, it would bring me to Him. He knew I would be on my knees when I had had enough.
Enough.
He knew I would be on my knees after having tried everything in my strength to conquer demons and wounds of my past, after having done things I did in rebellion to the chains I felt held me back in childhood, and then returning again to my people pleasing ways, all the while still dancing around other wounded people in my life who I felt I have to keep appeased. He knew.
Enough. I said from my knees.
And He said, Yes, enough.
It was a funny sort of feeling getting that response because somehow I knew it was not, I have had enough of you, Nicole or enough of your nonsense, time to follow My plan. He wasn’t even agreeing with me, saying yes, you have had enough of these broken people in your life.
He said: Yes, enough. YOU are ENOUGH.
I didn’t even realize this was a longing of my heart, to feel this deep sense of self.
I started to cry. It was as if I had never heard those words spoken. I could feel the wholeness of His truth so intensely.
We hear that phrase often as encouragement, but I never really believed it because I still thought of it in human standards. More like a “doing the best I can so don’t judge me” sort of mantra: I am enough.
But this was not the same. You are enough from God means you are enough.
He fills the gaps and cracks, both the ones I create and the ones others have. And He might use me to help fill those gaps and cracks, but He doesn’t need me trying so hard.
I was designed perfectly and my human imperfections are made perfect by God, not today, but in His time. That’s what makes me enough. Him. I am enough because of Him, and He is infinite, so He is always enough.
As Christians, we know only One truly satisfies. And so with this awakened knowledge, I find myself handing many things over to Him which have been weighing me down …
Be enough, Lord, for the person who feels overlooked.
Be enough, Lord, for the person who feels lost.
Be enough, Lord, for this person who cannot stay sober.
Be enough, Lord, for this person who wants healing I cannot provide.
Be enough, Lord, for the person who longs for control.
Be enough, Lord, for the person who wants to be seen.
Be enough, Lord, for me who wants to love like you, but who is also so very tired of trying to perform.
Be enough, Lord, for me who wants to show mercy like you, but who still looks back and feels bitter.
Be enough, Lord, for me who longs for easy and controlled, even when I know You call us to more to grow deeper trust in You.
I am not perfect, but I am enough in God’s perfect plan. I am enough for the tapestry He is weaving. He knows the cycles I will break and the wounds I will inflict. Oh, how I hope my children will tell me I never let them down or that I never asked too much of them, but only a narcissist could believe such nonsense. I trust whatever I pass on that God will work it out.
Instead, I only hope my children say, Mom, you taught me how to embrace the gift of faith, so that when they are wrestling with wounds and weaknesses, they too will hear God say, Enough. You, my child, are enough. And they will know God’s love and how He created them for His glory.
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